


You think this is McFunny?

by StolenVampires



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Humor, Other, its 1 am and i have no beta, ollies into the abyss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 05:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7346050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StolenVampires/pseuds/StolenVampires
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Old McCree had a joke. E-I-E-I-O One day he to it too far. E-I-E-I-O. And Hanzo was not McLoving it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You think this is McFunny?

There was ample downtime in what was the slowly being restored Overwatch Outpost. Down time in the sense that no missions could be done, training was drilled so far into one's skull that your ears rang with the sound of dying training bots, and the gruff barked orders of 76 were white noise. For many on the base, it was slow by 11am as Winston had instigated a firm all agent wake up at 6am sharp. 4 hours of non-stop shooting practice and training courses for days on end was enough to drive many agents to the edge.

Both in nerves, and in creativity.

At least that was how Hana saw it. Lúcio was easy to please as he had his music, but she was stuck with being the 'kid' to be 'parented' by nearly everyone as she had nothing visible to keep her occupied and steaming was right out. Too risky according to Winston and even Lena was adamant that no, she had to stay on base. For safety. And because flying off base for 'Doritos Locos Tacos' and 'That Green Drank' was not very good for her.

So Hana was forced to find outlets for her energy and get creative with it.

Which was just how she ended up taking drink making lessons from Jesse McCree. He'd been making himself what she assumed was caffeinated hell the way he poured a coke-a-cola into a glass- then add a healthy amount of fireball whiskey. ("'O course you use coke, who the hells drinks Pepsi ; What are 'ya an animal?")  
Now, Hana had known that mixed drinks were a thing, but hadn't known that McCree enjoyed a few. Or that he knew how to actually make drinks. Not that he supported her drinking them. Oh no. He'd teach only.  
("'M not so old to think you won't be doing this on your own when no one's lookin'. Might as well teach ya how to do it right.")

So McCree had started teaching her how to make mixed drinks. How to measure shots. How to cut lemons and other garnishes. What made a good drink and a bad one. How to not water down a drink in the shaker. Sugar rim a glass. Muddle. Layer. Pour. It was fun, for a time.  
Until 76 had caught McCree teaching her how to make a blowjob and explaining just why they had the name and why she was not allowed to have them but should very liberally serve them.  
(" Keep them boys at arm's length missy. Boys be nothin' but trouble.") In all fairness, McCree had stood up for her. Saying how she was old enough to kill, she should be old enough to drink. But 76 had none of it. She was not 21. She was young enough to be McCree's daughter, how dare McCree corrupt her. (Joke was on 76. He had no idea what was on her browser history and if he did, she was pretty sure he'd just die of geezer stick in the mud fury on the spot). 

That was how Hana's drink mixing lessons ended. And how she began to take to following the sarcastic American around when she found him to be unoccupied. He was fun. Lúcio liked him too. Their team was a bit funny in a way. Lúcio had become the encouraging sibling. 76 the grumpy dad and or grandfather who refused to let her have any fun. Lena was the smart older sisterly type. Genji and Zenyatta were the two most reasonable voices of logic and understanding. They gave the best advice and listened when she complained without ever scolding her. Hanzo was the one who was like 76 only he was more focused on telling her to maintain her dignity and to 'stop posing and flirting with boys on her computer', (she didn't have the heart to tell him he secretly had a legion of fans already with a whole website dedicated to him and that it was called 'Handzome Shimadyaaas'. She did show Genji though. It was the one time she'd seen him laugh so hard he couldn't control the eruption of sheer amusement.)  
Which left McCree with the strange role of 'fun uncle'. Fun Uncle who she was pretty sure wanted to get into Hanzo's space in more than one way. But then again, that's what girls on the fan page liked to think. She just took secret pictures and posted things to social media. 

And as far as Fun Uncles went, McCree seemed to enjoy Hana's meddling. Tolerating and sometimes encouraging her behavior. Today however, he promised that if she managed to beat every single training course by 11, he'd let her see 'what I've been planning 'for the last week lil missy.'

She'd beaten the courses by 10:50.

Arriving in the communal kitchen as she'd been told to, she was surprised to see Hanzo sitting by himself at the table, eating what she assumed was his lunch.  
"Hiya." Hanzo just looked up, not saying anything, then nodded. It was as much a greeting as he usually gave.  
Then she got to see it. The narrowing of his eyes while they looked at his rice bowl. The clicking of spurs and boots on laminate echoing from down the hall. Immediately, Hanzo's posture shifted, and he became tense like she knew he did before they went into the field.  
"'Morning Hana. Shimada one." Hanzo sent the coybow a look that could have given her a third degree burn with how much hate it had.

"Aw now don't be so prickly. I haven't done a McThing yet." McCree said as he went about making his own lunch. Or rather fishing it free from the overfilled fridge.  
Both Hanzo and Hana hadn't missed what he said, yet neither said anything about McCree's words.  
"It is not a matter of when you do something McCree. It is a given that you will." The man's voice was thick with disapproval, and Hana was reminded why Genji told her to just let Hanzo be Hanzo if she ever was victim to one of his scoldings.  
"Now that's a might fine McShame. You're supposed to trust your team. " He did it again, and Hanzo was already starting the motions of getting ready to leave.  
"I am not going to be party to this McCree."  
"McSuce me? Party to what."  
"That." Hanzo took a final drink of his tea and stormed over to the sink and very loudly slammed his empty cup on the counter. McCree stood to the side, letting Hanzo have his space before-  
"Partner, the rules McSay ya supposed ta clean up after yourself. I recokon no one is gonna be your momma."  
"He's McRight." Hana barely had the courage to say anything. But when she did? Hanzo's glare made her blood run cold. He was looking ready to send those dragons on her.

"Oh Hey! Hana! McCree! Hanzo! How's it hangin?" Lúcio entered the room with a smile but it felt into a nervous laugh as he immedietly got Hanzo's death stare.  
"Uh- Is everything okay?"  
McCree laughed, walking up and casually slinging his robotic arm around the ex-yakuza. '"Everything is fit as a fiddle. An't it Hanzo?" It was the cowboy trying to redirect the ire back on him.  
Hanzo just grit his teeth and with a snarl, tried to shove the American away. All this did was earn a laugh and a tip of the cowboy's hat.  
"Now don't McFreaking lose it. Ya just haf'ta clean your dishes like the rest of us. I'm not your McDaddy."  
"No, you're annoying." Hanzo shot pat like petulant child as the 'resident' children of overwatch watched on.  
"Why do you McHurt me this way? We're partners!"  
"The only partner I have is my bow." Hanzo had still started washing his dishes, furious or not.  
"That's like saying all I got is my hand. And we both know that an't true."  
Hana made a face at that one, and Lúcio said it best, "Okay now that one was McGross."  
Another laugh, and McCree was smiling. "Fair enough. I just Can't McHelp myself."  
"McCree stop this at once!" Hanzo hand finished cleaning the dishes in record time. He looked ready to strangle the cowboy.

Then-  
"McCree?" Lena walked in, in her arms, were bags with a distinct logo.  
"Was it really all that important I get ten McDoubles?" Hanzo's entire face had gone ghostly white.  
"I reckon I was famished is all. You're a peach you are. Thanks for going to the McTrouble."  
"Ah, an't no trouble at all love! Happy to help!" Then a flash of blue and Lena was gone.

As Hanzo stook in the kitchen, Lúcio and Hana watching him and McCree, there was a dead silence save for the cowboy pulling out a single burger.  
"Hanzo." He said, unfolding the wrapper. "Guess what time it is."  
It was like watching a bomb fuse burn. Hana and Lúcio both knew what was coming.  
Hanzo seemed like he'd left all thought and resigned himself to his own personal hell.

"It's High Noon." A large bite of the burger was all McCree got before Hanzo full body tackled the man, a string of curses flying out of his mouth as the pair grappled on the floor. 

Hana was staring and Lúcio- Lúcio was filming it, mouth open not believe what he was seeing. A few seconds later, McCree was running out the kitchens, Hanzo right after him, threatening in Japanese along with a burger in hand.

As the sound of screamin Shimada left the vicinity, Genji arrived to Lúcio and Hana sitting alone in the area. Burger on the floor, and the pair slightly shaken.  
"... I trust that my brother was not appreciative to McCree's humor."  
"Ha. You can say that again." Lúcio finally laughed, and it got Hana laughing too. Of all things for McCree to have gone and done.

Genji just looked at them both before he turned to get himself some tea.  
"Please be sure to send me the video. I'd like to see it."  
That got Hana howling.  
Things got boring fast at the outpost, but sometimes, what came from it was infinitely more entertaining than any streaming she could ever do.

**Author's Note:**

> I FOUND SOURCE POST http://raviollies.tumblr.com/post/146499952485/i-hate-this-and-i-hate-myself
> 
> Go check out their art its A+


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